Movie Review: THE SCORPION KING

Salutations, amigos and amigettes. This is a new feature where Tommy J takes you to the movies. I'm not only going to recommend my favorite flicks, but I will break it down and tell you why they are so awesome.



My first review is "THE SCORPION KING," starring that next-generation Conan, The Rock. Let's start with the fine ingredients that made this cake: The Rock. Guy kicks ass. The man is so large they need a special lens on the camera just to capture his sheer awesomeness. An easy plot to follow: there's this evil dude and the Scorpion Rock has to kill him. Oh, and he's dragging next-to-naked Kelly Hu along with him. What's not to like? You put all that on the poster and I'm there. Then once the movie gets going, it has all the extras that I personally love...

1. Slow motion killing. Everyone's braided hair and sweat and swords all float around while bodies flip end-over-end. It's that John Woo shit. I could watch that all day.

2. Barbarians. Everyone is wearing leather boots and thongs and dog collars. It was a crazy world. Wild and free.

3. More rock, less talk. No one has any conversations in this movie for more than three minutes. Unless they are almost naked and their name is Kelly Hu.

4. An ending where everything blows up. Or catches fire. Or caves in and blows up. I'll take any combination.

5. A great death scene for the bad guy. This is my favorite part of "The Scorpion King," the part I watch three times. Let me take you blow by blow:

The Rock has been after this evil bastard Memnon the whole movie. This bung-hole has tortured people and kicked kittens and laughed maniacally for two hours. You want this guy dead, for sure. And Rock fights his way through a thousand guys to get to Memnon on the top of the castle, a hundred feet above the battle zone. They go at it with swords... that are on fire. That's a show in itself. But wait a minute... before the Rock can finish the deed, some punk ass on the side lines shoots an arrow into his shoulder blade.


Arrow in the shoulder. OUCH. That right there should put you down. But not Scorpion King. He's crawling on the floor toward Memnon, who is still laughing his evil ass off. And this is where every bad guy gets cocky and just starts strolling around on the edge of a precipice, taking in the scenery. Scorpion King gets to his feet, all painful and whatnot... and picks up a BOW lying on the ground.

Hmmm, thinks Scorpion King. A bow. This'll do. If I only had an arrow... oh, wait a minute! Oh yeah, I've still got one IN MY BACK.

This big sumbitch reaches over his shoulder and PULLS THE ARROW OUT OF HIS OWN BACK and draws it on the dude. OUT OF HIS OWN BACK! Now comes the bowhunting kill of the century.


Scorpion King pulls back on that sucker and lets it go, just as Memnon turns around with a dumbass smug look on his face. And that arrow hits him so hard, it doesn't just put him down. This evil futhermuck FOLDS IN HALF and flies off the edge of the castle, FIFTY FEET through the air, and is consumed in a BALL OF FIRE. That's a bow-and-arrow, high fall, burned-alive combination! You don't get that every day.

And then all that's left is for Scorpion King to high-five Michael Clark Duncan, grab himself a handful of Kelly Hu and watch the credits roll.

So on TJD's movie scale of one to five thumbs, I give "Scorpion KIng" FIVE THUMBS. Get your ass to the Blockbuster and check this bad boy out.

That's how I roll,

TJD