ON THE ROAD

Bounty Hunting is not all fun and games and shooting mace at people. Nope, sometimes the hunt is an endless road trip. Here's a little taste of life on the highway.

HOW TO PICK A FIGHT

Yeah, any hombre can put his dukes up. But to instigate a full-on bar brawl with style, you've got you have a memorable line. You've got to spit out some fighting words that people will be repeating on the way home (or to the emergency room). I'm man enough to admit that most times I get into a tussle, I come out on the short end... truth be told, I'm nursing a shiner right now.

But when TJD steps up, he comes with a bit of pugilistic poetry. Here are some of my favorites:



MORE FAVORITE FIGHTING WORDS:

1. “Do you have a can opener? ‘Cause I got a fresh can of whoopass. Family size.”
2. “I’ve seen ‘Roadhouse’ fourteen times and I can dance like Swayze.”
3. “Call the weatherman, because ‘Hurricane Dallas’ is making the rain.”
4. (Hold up each fist) ”I borrowed this one from Steve Segal and this one from Johnny Van Damme. Time for a double feature.”
5. “Hey, play something by The Partridge Family, ‘cause I’m gonna beat you like a tambourine.”
6. "Call the Tooth Fairy, 'cause you're about to make a donation."
7. "Do you have the time? (look at watch) Oh yeah, it's time to kick your ass."

Use at your discretion. Most likely after any of these, you WILL get hit in the face. Don't dish it out if you can't take it.



That's how I roll,

TJD

TJD's NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

Here it is, year "007" as I like to call it. The Year of the Bond. Time to make some resolutions and self-improve. Here are the shortcomings that Tommy J is working on in the new year.

1. I will not confuse an old lady for an old man. I will be non-gender-specific when addressing the elderly.

2. I will not spend more on boots than on health insurance.

3. I will get health insurance.

4. I will jump a car "Dukes of Hazzard" style, at least once, while in hot pursuit.

5. I will clean out Uncle Carter Dobb's El Paso public storage space once and for all (desceased, 1998).

6. I will successfully pass through an airport security station.

7. I will pick a fight with Micky Rourke.

8. I will invent a new self-defense move and get it authenticated by the Bruce Lee Institute.

9. I will memorize the Miranda Rights statement, all the state capitols and the scripture verse from "Pulp Fiction."

10. I will appear on a nightly cable news show as either an expert or an eye witness.

11. I will date a Chinese girl.

12. I will take down a criminal with only a bow and arrow.

13. I will successfully raise a bowl of Sea Monkeys.


God bless and keep it civil in 007.

TJD