The Online Chronicles of T.J. Dallas

2/21/14

I AM IN A MOVIE (NO JOKE)

Check it out, Hollyweird! I recently got a gig in a bonafide motion picture. Said motion picture is "JEFFIE WAS HERE,"  coming out on iTunes and worldwide, February 25. Very excited for you all to see my acting debut.


This Jeffie guy in the movie is a piece of work. He smelled like fish and weed and his beard was unruly. But he and I love to stick it to the man in all ways so I got no quarrel.

I play a MAJOR ROLE in this movie, known as "Fry Cook." That's not really his name, but his job. The scene is short, but important. Sadly, there are no stunts. As for my part, I will keep it secret the way movie people do. Is my scene moving? Yes. Tears may flow. Does the plot turn on the actions of my character? You bet. I come on screen and change the game. Do I have lines? Okay, not really. But I tell you in all confidence that "Fry Cook" -- even though he is on screen for only four or five seconds -- is integral to the plot. INTEGRAL! Watch the flick and see if I'm wrong.


I also got to keep the hairnet, which was a fine memento I will auction off for charity later. Or if Planet Hollywood is still in business, call me and let's discuss where in the restaurant it will be encased.

1/11/08

SALUTATIONS

(I keep this blog at the top to orientate newcomers. Current blog starts right after.)


Heads up, jackass. You have been swimming the internet cesspool only to wash ashore on the golden beaches of my blog. The name is T.J. Dallas, that stands for Thomas Jefferson and he’s on the friggin’ nickel. My day job is roaming the great 48 states as a certified bounty hunter. That's right. I tag 'em and bag 'em. Now, with the help of my cousin Darrin, I've got a computer on loan and a means to "blog out." So buckle up. I'll be posting my exploits and pearls of wisdom right here.

But you may ask, "who is this force of nature, this handlebar moustachioed crusader who is Dallas?" While I'm not one to toot my own horn, perhaps my press can do it for me. This is a clipping from the El Paso Community Gazette when they featured me in their "Know Your Neighbor" section:


I must note that the above was embellished a bit due to an over-zealous journalist who needed to sell some papers.

But the rest is from the horse's mouth. So stay tuned to this blog and yours truly. And if you get on my shit list, watch your back. 'Cause I got two speeds: "Quick" and "What the hell was that?"

That's how I roll,

TJD

12/9/07

CHRISTMAS GREETINGS FROM TJD

video

11/20/07

THANKS


As Turkey Day rolls around, how do I roll? What am I thankful for? Let me count the ways...
I'm thankful for Magnum, first off. I'm thankful that this is a free country and I can tattoo a screamin' eagle or dragon lady on whatever I want. I'm thankful to be paying the bills with what I love: tagging and bagging bail jumpers. I'm thankful that those poor Native American folks got casinos to gyp the white man for a little payback. And I'm thankful that tryptophen and anything flavored pumpkin will be coursing through my veins all weekend.

That's how I roll (thankfully),

TJD

7/21/07

TJD makes ROLLING STONE

In case you missed it, "The Stone" did a little write-up on the Bounty Hunting Machine. You'd think this would get me a date with Kelly Clarkson or something. I'm still waiting, Clarkson. Get it while it's hot!

7/4/07

God Bless this great nation. Lee Greenwood said it best, so play that futhermucker loud this week. Now excuse me while I go celebrate by watching cars and planes turn into robots that fight each other.

7/3/07

RINGTONES: A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

I was trying to mind my own at Louie's when I hear a Justin Timberlake song start playing out of this girl's hip pocket. That's the ring on her phone. No offense to Mr. Timberlake, but I've never wanted to take a sledgehammer to a phone so bad in my life.


It's not just that she let it play for 35 seconds before lifting her lazy, fat arm off her Frappuccino to answer it. And it's not just that ringtones are another way to be RUDE in public. It's what those God awful things represent. A RINGTONE is something you don't need. It's just something that someone convinced you to BUY so you have something to put on the new phone you just bought... the phone you paid extra for so you could play RINGTONES on it. It's a cycle of selling us shit we don't need. And the cycle ends with you being rude and me being interrupted from my chili dog with some unnecessary Timberlake. Hell, the sad thing is, once you pick up the phone you've got nothing to say.

Nobody wants to hear your ringtone. Trust me. NOBODY. You want to hear the same song every five minutes, put on some futhermucking earphones. Then go home and "download" some manners.

That's how I roll,

TJD

7/1/07

MY NEW MAILBOX


Drop on by the Dallas homestead and check out my latest lawn ornament. Just a little message to trespassers: you cross the TJD and you get a "Special Delivery."

6/14/07

GOIN' EVIL KNIEVEL

Sometimes the hunt begins with a phone call. If a bail jumper is smart, they heed my warnings and just turn themselves in. But if they're stupid and don't understand a common pop culture reference, well... then you just have an irritating conversation like this one.

4/20/07

Movie Review: THE SCORPION KING

Salutations, amigos and amigettes. This is a new feature where Tommy J takes you to the movies. I'm not only going to recommend my favorite flicks, but I will break it down and tell you why they are so awesome.



My first review is "THE SCORPION KING," starring that next-generation Conan, The Rock. Let's start with the fine ingredients that made this cake: The Rock. Guy kicks ass. The man is so large they need a special lens on the camera just to capture his sheer awesomeness. An easy plot to follow: there's this evil dude and the Scorpion Rock has to kill him. Oh, and he's dragging next-to-naked Kelly Hu along with him. What's not to like? You put all that on the poster and I'm there. Then once the movie gets going, it has all the extras that I personally love...

1. Slow motion killing. Everyone's braided hair and sweat and swords all float around while bodies flip end-over-end. It's that John Woo shit. I could watch that all day.

2. Barbarians. Everyone is wearing leather boots and thongs and dog collars. It was a crazy world. Wild and free.

3. More rock, less talk. No one has any conversations in this movie for more than three minutes. Unless they are almost naked and their name is Kelly Hu.

4. An ending where everything blows up. Or catches fire. Or caves in and blows up. I'll take any combination.

5. A great death scene for the bad guy. This is my favorite part of "The Scorpion King," the part I watch three times. Let me take you blow by blow:

The Rock has been after this evil bastard Memnon the whole movie. This bung-hole has tortured people and kicked kittens and laughed maniacally for two hours. You want this guy dead, for sure. And Rock fights his way through a thousand guys to get to Memnon on the top of the castle, a hundred feet above the battle zone. They go at it with swords... that are on fire. That's a show in itself. But wait a minute... before the Rock can finish the deed, some punk ass on the side lines shoots an arrow into his shoulder blade.


Arrow in the shoulder. OUCH. That right there should put you down. But not Scorpion King. He's crawling on the floor toward Memnon, who is still laughing his evil ass off. And this is where every bad guy gets cocky and just starts strolling around on the edge of a precipice, taking in the scenery. Scorpion King gets to his feet, all painful and whatnot... and picks up a BOW lying on the ground.

Hmmm, thinks Scorpion King. A bow. This'll do. If I only had an arrow... oh, wait a minute! Oh yeah, I've still got one IN MY BACK.

This big sumbitch reaches over his shoulder and PULLS THE ARROW OUT OF HIS OWN BACK and draws it on the dude. OUT OF HIS OWN BACK! Now comes the bowhunting kill of the century.


Scorpion King pulls back on that sucker and lets it go, just as Memnon turns around with a dumbass smug look on his face. And that arrow hits him so hard, it doesn't just put him down. This evil futhermuck FOLDS IN HALF and flies off the edge of the castle, FIFTY FEET through the air, and is consumed in a BALL OF FIRE. That's a bow-and-arrow, high fall, burned-alive combination! You don't get that every day.

And then all that's left is for Scorpion King to high-five Michael Clark Duncan, grab himself a handful of Kelly Hu and watch the credits roll.

So on TJD's movie scale of one to five thumbs, I give "Scorpion KIng" FIVE THUMBS. Get your ass to the Blockbuster and check this bad boy out.

That's how I roll,

TJD

1/21/07

ON THE ROAD

Bounty Hunting is not all fun and games and shooting mace at people. Nope, sometimes the hunt is an endless road trip. Here's a little taste of life on the highway.

1/20/07

HOW TO PICK A FIGHT


Yeah, any hombre can put his dukes up. But to instigate a full-on bar brawl with style, you've got you have a memorable line. You've got to spit out some fighting words that people will be repeating on the way home (or to the emergency room). I'm man enough to admit that most times I get into a tussle, I come out on the short end... truth be told, I'm nursing a shiner right now.

But when TJD steps up, he comes with a bit of pugilistic poetry. Here are some of my favorites:



MORE FAVORITE FIGHTING WORDS:

1. “Do you have a can opener? ‘Cause I got a fresh can of whoopass. Family size.”
2. “I’ve seen ‘Roadhouse’ fourteen times and I can dance like Swayze.”
3. “Call the weatherman, because ‘Hurricane Dallas’ is making the rain.”
4. (Hold up each fist) ”I borrowed this one from Steve Segal and this one from Johnny Van Damme. Time for a double feature.”
5. “Hey, play something by The Partridge Family, ‘cause I’m gonna beat you like a tambourine.”
6. "Call the Tooth Fairy, 'cause you're about to make a donation."
7. "Do you have the time? (look at watch) Oh yeah, it's time to kick your ass."

Use at your discretion. Most likely after any of these, you WILL get hit in the face. Don't dish it out if you can't take it.



That's how I roll,

TJD

1/3/07

TJD's NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS


Here it is, year "007" as I like to call it. The Year of the Bond. Time to make some resolutions and self-improve. Here are the shortcomings that Tommy J is working on in the new year.

1. I will not confuse an old lady for an old man. I will be non-gender-specific when addressing the elderly.

2. I will not spend more on boots than on health insurance.

3. I will get health insurance.

4. I will jump a car "Dukes of Hazzard" style, at least once, while in hot pursuit.

5. I will clean out Uncle Carter Dobb's El Paso public storage space once and for all (desceased, 1998).

6. I will successfully pass through an airport security station.

7. I will pick a fight with Micky Rourke.

8. I will invent a new self-defense move and get it authenticated by the Bruce Lee Institute.

9. I will memorize the Miranda Rights statement, all the state capitols and the scripture verse from "Pulp Fiction."

10. I will appear on a nightly cable news show as either an expert or an eye witness.

11. I will date a Chinese girl.

12. I will take down a criminal with only a bow and arrow.

13. I will successfully raise a bowl of Sea Monkeys.


God bless and keep it civil in 007.

TJD

12/10/06

THE POWER OF KUNGJITSU


My name is T.J., as in ‘Hooker.’ And believe me, I hook as many as Billy Shatner any day of the week. But I don't always have to fire a gun to take out my enemy. My hands are lethal weapons as well. Many have asked the Jackhammer what kind of bare-handed combat I practice. I have perfected the art of KUNGJITSU. That's half Kung Fu, half Ninjitsu, fused together in a martial arts goulash. This is a rare art that can only be learned from ONE PLACE: a six hour course, taught by Sinsei Steve Jaminski at the El Paso YMCA.

Many of the ways of Kungjitsu are so shrouded in mystery, that to discuss them here would be sacrilidge. Plus, you didn't pay the monthly fee to the Y. I did.

Alls I can say is that the art involves cat-like moves and becoming a shadow in the wind. A shadow with fists, mind you. Kungjitsu warriors get themselves good and centered, then toughen their fists and feet by striking them against trees and concrete. It hurts like a sonofabitch, but after a while, a punch in the face is mild by comparison. Once you master the fear of getting punched in the face, you become free to follow your instincts. You awaken the cat-tastic striking force within you.



That's all I can share. I've already broken several laws of the Kungjitsu code just by telling you this much. I don't want to bring on the wrath of Sinsei Steve, especially since he's gonna hook me up with a Tae Bo class. Just know that if T-to-the-J cracks open a can of the 'Jitsu, you better have more than a roundhouse for me. 'Cause I'll come at you like a six-pack of Segal with a side of Miyagi.

That's how I roll,

TJ

12/1/06

WHY MAGNUM P.I. IS AWESOME



1. He lives in Hawaii. That's like being on vacation all the time.

2. He lives the glamourous life of a detective, which is similar and equally glamous to the life of a bounty hunter.

3. The moustache.

4. He is always pissing off that dilweed Higgins. Somebody should have shot THAT guy, not J.R.

5. His friend T.C. has a helicopter that he can ride in anytime he wants.

6. The man has women sticking to his hairy chest like it was velcro.

7. His theme song makes you want to drive fast and kick ass.

8. He's named after a GUN, for God's sake.

11/24/06

TAKE 'ER EASY

The holidays are coming up, and your pal Tommy J is not beyond having a good time. Sure, when I'm on the job putting my boot up someone's crack, I'm wound pretty tight. But everyone needs to power down. Even Magnum P.I. would break out the white golf shorts and do some shirtless stakeouts by the Koi pond. So if you catch yourself stressed at work, yelling at cars, or just counting the days until your eventual death, RELAX SON! Here's some sure fire ways I kick back:

Deaden your senses with alcohol. This is cheap, easy and fun. I recommend Miller High Life (the Champagne of Beers), the standard Budweiser, or go classic with a Pabst Blue Ribbon (if you find a can on the west coast, CALL me!)



Take a nap by the pool. A pool also acts as a natural cooler for said beverage, above.



Take a nap IN the pool. Beware: If you're too narcoleptic, this can lead to drowning.



Shoot at things in the wild. Now don't get all tree hugger on me. I'm not talking about cute rabbits or campers. Just pick off a road sign or fence post. I personally believe a well-placed round of buckshot on a billboard is a bit of an art form. I once took out the tooth of a spokesmodel for Listerine.



Visit your favorite bar. Pool table is good. Jukebox even better. And all accompanied by said beverage, above.



Meditate. Once you get yourself centered, it's like a good bowel movement.



Take a drive. I find that the faster I go, the better I feel.



Put on a good rerun of your favorite show.
I recommend "Magnum," "A-Team," "Knight Rider" and "Charles In Charge." Man, that Charles cracks me up. He ain't in charge of shit.

That's how I roll,

TJD

6/30/06